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the 5th of november. i rode a cab from makati to poypoy's place. as with most cab drivers in manila, the driver, a man around his 60's asked that i add a little to the metered fare. we finally came up with a deal and we sped our way towards valenzuela. 

as soon as i tried to close my eyes, manong driver started ranting about his life as a police officer in vizayas and how he managed to score women during his uniform days. my mind began to signal red. you see, i hate cops. i am annoyed by their arrogance. i could also admit that i am afraid of them. and this driver is one arrogant ass. he began recounting his fictitious i-knocked-up carmi martin story and how he almost lost his wang when his other woman found out that he had plenty of other women. 

after that, i somehow tried to be comfortable. i began asking him stories about the academy, how it is being a police officer and if he ever extorted anyone. he was honest enough to admit that the force is a tarnished one. he asked me some sample questions that were asked during a police promotion exam. luckily, i failed them all.

mr. police/driver recounts his taxi adventures that whenever he is stopped by policemen, he just waives his expired id and badge and just mentions that he is still an active cop, of course, with hubris. by the time we arrived in letre, a police car flagged us to stop. police/driver waived his badge and began his speech about being in the force and so and so... i had assumed that i had a smoking violation since we were both smoking inside the cab when we were hailed by the cops. they then let us go. i told him how impressed i was and he puffed his chest all the more.

a few minutes on the road later, we were hailed again, by the same police car. they spoke longer than the first time and from the car, i saw police/driver's face wrinkle, then sag. apparently, the cops took his license and registration because the cab had some registration issues with LTFRB. we continued our trip, my driver's pride shaken a little. when he dropped me at marulas, he took more than what our deal was. i just let it slide. somehow, i pity the old man.

i guess there are times that we continuously hold on to power. an id and a badge may give you pass. but for me, its just cardboard and a piece of junk. some people just can't accept things for what and how they are.

briefs

i confess.

i am officially addicted to Naruto. i have finished the series beginning to current and the manga too, fell in love with Sai, got irritated to Sasuke and Sakura, amazed by Shikamaru, secretly had a crush with Kiba (and almost wanted to dognap Akamaru), mourned over Jiraya and won a bet with Tsunade in a span of three-and-a-half weeks. The show and the manga still continue.

- - -

right now i am sooo busy writing, juggling meetings for my high school alumni and squeezing in a little dating here and there. i had been doing the writing gig for a while now thanks to the nudging of a dear friend and i can say i am able to survive. and somehow, happy.

- - -

a dream of mine is about to come true. in january, i shall be handling a small class of high school students from my rural school and teach them a few things about writing. it shall be my personal advocacy to volunteer for this workshop. i shall be doing lessons a day a week hoping that i can make some difference here and there. hopefully... with my fat fingers crossed. i shall probably blog about this project of mine come january.

hapuku

there are moments that force you to be destroyed and hide among the destruction. brief moments that you cower at the face of fear, forgetting the things that you value. it is never an easy path to always be in the light. nor was it any easier to be in kept in the dark.

wala lang. im just my usual drumbeat-out-of-tune.

- - -

hmmm... day in and day out my days have been uneventful. i am having a hard time mustering my strength and will to get out of the house and you know, date. i feel that my world is beginning to look like the cyberspace. i need some digital fresh air.

validation

i had almost fallen prey to sacrificing myself in lieu of getting in favor with the social network. it is funny that i had almost created a new identity, something in semblance of me but a totally different path... one that i fear may consume my method of writing. almost at the point of simile with others.

yes, i was guilty to have spent hours tweaking css and brain storming for content that i had almost left my original blogs to the deep recesses of the blogosphere. i am thankful that i did not wander that path.

sometimes, you just need real people to validate you, for you to know that you are.

do you know how to count?

20, 21, 22... silence.. 30.

my sister is an sk councilor with a feisty disposition to corruption. ondoy had, again, woken up the bitch in her when she heard someone counting the relief goods to be given to the people who suffered the most. so, the guy counting skipped. and a bitch slap was in check, courtesy of my sister. but was a bitch slap enough to change the way of the world?

i wonder what can be the most wonderful way to kill these bastards who steal relief goods from ondoy victims. probably stuff them up with stale rice. you decide.

fortress

ive been doin cartwheels lately

all around my chest

holdin tight to something gone

ive realised i was foolish

keeping your love

cos love just aint keepin me company

like it used to

you havent really gone that far

i can always run and keep up

but your trail

its the only thing keeping us apart

and you would hate me

for saying this

oh yeah youd hate me a lot

so why count plenty of suns

when shadows are all i have

why listen to grown up stories

no one had really wised up

those kings of your castles

who fought all your battles

is tired of slaying his dragons

so what good is a moat

with a drawbridge afloat

if no one is supposed to come back

a rendezvous with EDSA

i have a new baby. iSaac the iPod Touch. he was a birthday surprise. his coming really was and still is.

3 days of having iSaac in my ears and fingertips:

• i was in the bus on my way home at 3 am. just got out from work and was really sleepy.
• prior to that, i went to bench's place with the whole fellowship to talk about 'the company.'
• prior to that, i didn't sleep at all.
• back to the bus at 3 am.
• slept with iSaac the iPod in my ears. zzzz
• then i woke up with a fat guy beside me, his hands in my bag pocket almost getting his grip on iSaac. ok lang ba siya? i braced myself to superBark then mustered the only thing i could say - p#$%@* kang magnanakaw ka. then my elbow went wiggly and hit his side and as he ran for the closed door, i gave him a good pat on the back.
• the bus doors didnt open for him quickly. i was so bored i slept again after he just got down.
• remembering to assure iSaac that he is safe. i remember albert's column years ago about his jeepney stuck in his world or i think it was the other way around. it was about people in a jeepney having seen a thief snatch the bag off a lady and while the woman suffers the fate of her lost objects, the people muster under their breaths their own humiliating idiosyncrasies but none really helped out the one who needed it.

sigh. im just happy iSaac is safe.

in lieu of the holidays, i hurl

im back. and so is my daily visitor. 2.52 pm pc time and my eyelids are almost about to shut tight. nothing new in the office today. just a friend/teammate having boyfriend paranoia dramas - the bf is the paranoid one. what if a woman cheats and regrets it? did everything to assure the guy that it will never happen again and is very much sincere about it. but the guy is still having doubts. does time answer the question? or is it distance? i think it just needs a meaningful conversation.

another thing with this coworker of mine is that today, june 12: philipine independence day, is the anniversary of the death of her child. at 17 she bore a little angel who died after 12 days on earth. so i proposed us to go to manila bay and make paper boats and drift them with wishes. yeah i'm a sucker for drama go make your own blog if you think you're too bad ass. too bad this friend of mine had alcohol in her plans so we repaired to seafood island in cubao to smother ourselves with food and alcohol and friendship.

another friend came along right after i ordered tanigue, a bucket of beer, and a pinacolada(mine). i had never tasted a pinacolada so i got to try it and man it sucks bigtime. i hate the goo and i reinstate my love for vodka ice. the kilawing tanigue was good but i prefer the one served at seaside market in baclaran. there was a complimentary squid sisig that came along with the beer and it was repulsive yet tolerable. my idea of tolerable is anything un-patola. we ordered another plate of tokwa't baboy. the tokwa was good but there was just too much soysauce in it i thought i was eating adobo. my favorite meal in seafood island so far is the bangus and ensaladang talong value meal.

we continued to gorge down to the last morsel while drinking and laughing and making death wishes for one particular person.

there. after a bottle of beer and half a glass of the pinacolada, i tipsy toed myself home. bummer. who at this age and stature gets tipsy with a bottle of beer? sigh. burp. hurl. zzzz.

escapist tips and armchair psychology

recently pulled out my old email and i found stacked in my files an old chat transcript with a dear friend long enough to cover an entire week's post. so much material. i shan't post everything though. just an excerpt when i was getting dramatic over freedom of thought issues with my curent relationship. that moment i thought my mind was going to be enslaved and ridiculously shattered by too much sacrifice. a feeling i no longer wish to possess. sometimes, you eventually understand when sacrifice is enough and just when to stop getting your love meter off the charts. i almost went haywire trying hard to be the pleaser just to make a point that i am seriously into this.

but then again, was i really?

the moment you give everything to a relationship, do you really intend to give everything? leave everything behind - even your freedom of thought. it was one realization that i never missed. your mind, will never be contained. it will always find a way to rebel to something which it does not find appealing. ohmahgawd. i hate me introspecting.

segue. it is refreshing to have loving friends. free spirited friends also caught up by life's suffocating nuisances. i miss my fellowship. bigtime.

the conversation has been denied of it's speaker's labels... just to make a mess out of the conversation.

touche'

: i do not complain to you nor to anyone nor to myself. i just think that ___ will be the end of me soon
: i mean that i shall become different
: i don't quite understand the dynamics of your relationship because you give me so little.
: which i respect.
: in a way that i do not know
: you love him so much?
: yes
: how can you say that then?
: because i love him so much that im willing to give up everything, including my pride, my sanity, just to keep him

: if he changes you, you don't like it?
: i myt
: i myt not
: will you?
: then what is so wrong with that? to find someone you love so much...
: i have. but i have kept myself in secret places. like here.
: its suicide
: there has to be.
: it is. so we steal.
: ourselves. away from them.

: we can only betray ourselves so much.